LOTUS

I am the Lotus. The one who breathes in waters of grief with my arms and fingers all outstretched covering the rivers, the lakes, the fountain waters, learning to breathe, to hold... and to sleep. I am the Lotus. I stand on waters of injuries waiting for strength when scarred with dirt my body is surrounded with dark, polluted waves engulfing my skin but I live while I bleed. I am the Lotus. Thriving while my body's wounds do not get into my Crown -- A petal of many hues. -- Though my body is wounded my flesh all scarred and dirty, my mind filled with emptiness and spots of grief and disgust my being stands still, alive, breathing – living – blooming – beautifully.

Hobby turned To Reality

This time I have a big break. It has been a long-term dream. My hobby is now turning into a reality. Actually, there's not much to say these days. I got the same routine, the same position, the same career with an on-going masteral hanging around my head to pursue and finish by, in God's will, this school year.

This new thing about me is a real BIIIIIIIIGGGGGGGGGGG break and one of the GREATEST, I mean really the GREATEST blessing I have received in my life. Not everyone knows that I'm an avid fan of the Holy Words of God in the Bible. I'm a sinner though just like everyone else in the world (except for those who do not accept that they are, if there is anyone who don't....). A blessing indeed because, my poems and essays nor the songs I compose may not be read or heard and sang by others, yet God, Who gave me the talent to write such creative works, blessed me and indeed gave this wonderful opportunity to use my hand to write about His love for all humankind even way back history. Talk about writing on WOMEN IN THE BIBLE? Thanks to Tito Rollie Estrada, my guide when I was just a contributor and God's messenger, too, in bringing me into this kind of craft. God used him to call me for the Vineyard and to make WOMEN In The BIBLE a regular series for the parish newsletter.

I guess this is also God's one way of saying that I, though a sinner, is still His child, so I could praise Him all my life and to never forget that He is with me, while Mama Mary intercedes, with the Angels and Saints in heaven for me and the rest of the people in the world. I'm so grateful that I'm giving Him back the gift of writing which He bestowed on me so I could make good use of it.

It's really a wonderful feeling when you know that God is working in your life, even in a mysterious way.

I hope, whoever reads this blog, may find the inspiration to write for God and pray that the Holy Spirit may guide them in the way they use their talents.

I greet you all, GODSPEED!

"THAT IN ALL THINGS, GOD MAY BE GLORIFIED!"

Educator Turned Clerk

A transition in position is not as easy as a snap of a finger, just like those cartoon characters who transforms from a school uniform to a superhero/superheroine and the like. It's not like committing mistakes while typing and by pressing the backspace or the delete button the error is gone. No. It's not l ike those.

Position transition means a long process of adjustments, of getting the knack at everything in and out of the new company or department you're in and so on, especially if you are new in the company and the position you hold is far from what you held in your previous workplace. Talk about a major turn from educator to clerk like I did. Anyone would agree if I say that being an educator is far from being a clerk, right?

Let us look at the points that makes an educator different from a clerk. An educator obviously, teaches, trains, calls the shots in the classroom, holds the records, computes and keeps the grades, approaches the parent/s concerned, disciplines the class, prepares the lessons and delivers it, a parent and a guardian to the children at the same time, the one being obeyed, the one being respected, imitated and looked up to, the one students can consider a buddy sometimes. A clerk, on the other hand, is the servant of the department or group. She takes orders from the boss, she follows what her superiors tell her to do, follows-up on documents/ files, the one being trained, the one being taught, you don't give orders unless prompted by the boss, you receive calls (and if you get lucky, you get shouted at or asked with so many questions regarding something you're not even knowledgeable of or worst be pressured on the phone to look for a file that you don't really have a copy of), you file important documents, memos and letters, you call up banks to pick up there letters or send them through mail, you keep a track record of outgoing and incoming documents, you inform (if possible everytime) people to accomplish their personnal papers which normally is done and passed annually or quarterly like, accomplishment reports, attendance sheets, annexes, the SAL, SL/VL applications, TAO, the OTA, etc., and of course, not to forget, you also make the calls for a meeting with your boss and other superiors, and one great deed which I have to keep in mind is to smile while on the phone (even if you're already talking to a stubborn employee or someone angry or too scary to speak with).

However hard these tasks may seem, I want to look at the bright side of turning into a clerk (though am not permanent yet). I don't write the tiring lessons plans anymore. I don't do the tedious work of checking examination papers anymore. I get to sit down and relax if I want to (especially if there are no memos or letters to be edited, typed or sent). I get to eat more (hehehe!). Plus, I get to learn more about the function of banks and other computer-related information. I also have access to the interent but will only be used when the boss ask me to look for something in the net, or for killing boredom, and of course, like most workplace with computers and internet access, there are restrictions in getting an access to sites. I get to email some colleagues here. I'm lucky that I became a part of this department because I they gave me (actually requested to have them for me) desk-cabinets, file-cabinets and computer unit to work on complete with a printer. But, of course, I have to be reminded who's accountable to all these office properties. There are also the missing-what-I-used-to-do kind of emotion inside me. Whether I like it or not, ther are times that I really want to go back to the academe. I get to be envious with my classmates in MAT-ELA (Master of Arts in Teaching English Language Arts) who are obviously teaching in schools whether in the tertiary level, the secondary or the primary level. I miss the classroom, the chalk board or white board, the overhead projector, the 3D or LCD projector, the textbooks, the workbooks, the tiring lesson plans, the tedious checking of test papers, the grading sheets, the record book, the dreaded deadlines of submission, the teacher's table, the books in the library, my colleagues, the school premises and most of all, the love of my life, the students: their laughs, their cheers, their tears, their fears, their anger, their madness, their craziness, their wit, their talent, their smiles, their hugs, their gifts of appreciation, their curiousity, their pain, their joy. I equally love the jobs I got into. Frankly, if God permits, I'll do both.

Dilemma

"No matter what I do, all I think about is you

Even when I'm with my boo, you know I go crazy over you..." ----DILEMMA, Nelly Idleness makes me think and think and do an endless evaluation of my life in the past. It was like living in it and when it comes to the part on remember everything about you, things get too sentimental and emotional and worst, I just cry myself to sleep again, while my head starts its neverendng questions inside my head. After you left, three people came up to me. I wonder why three. One by one they sprouted like mushrooms on tree trunks. Each with a different way of telling me that they won't leave (yeah right!). One told me that he won't expect anything from me but he would often tell me that he likes me because I was simple, sweet and was not hard to love. i told him not to expect anything from me so neither I will expect anything from him. He's out in the field for training in six long months. Frankly, I'm missing him a lot. The other one came in, telling me how much he loves me since the day he saw me. He even remembered the date when we first met. He was just an acquaintance (thanks to her sister who left that day without texting him) that time. Nothing much to tell. He asked me where his sister was. Unforutnately, she's no longer around and I happen to be going down the stairs from work while he was going up to fetch her. I told him that I can only offer him friendship since I don't know him, as in, nothing about him do I know. I told him that no matter what I do, there is no feelings left in me for him other than friendship for now. Then, he went crazy. He wanted to kill himself for losing me. Geez!!! That attitude is really a major turn-off for me. Now, even if he texts me with all those mushy-stuffy quotes, i just end up saying "tnx. GB!" with no strings attached. Finally the third one, which I guess is already fed up, came up to me just recently. He was my ex-boyfriend, who insulted me by letting me see him with another girl (his real girlfriend) right infront of me while I was standing still in the middle of the second floor of a mall, somewhere near the department store. He knew I was the one standing there that time. He didn't mind me, he didn't even greet me and the worst is to walk right in front of me embracing his girl. He's walking up to me now because he knew that I loved him even if he didn't love me then. He's coming up to me now because his girl got pregnated by another guy and has decided to go with the guy who made her swallow a huge watermelon. Little did he know that that love has already been buried three long years ago and the hurt has just subsided naturally. I got shivers when he suddenly wanted to marry me before he leaves for Korea. I CAN'T DO THAT!!! Marriage hasn't gotten to my head yet. And now, what's bugging my skull? It's between my feelings for you and for the one I am waiting to come on September (unless he forgets me). Why am I too bothered by my feeling of losing when I know that I can have one again soon? Why are the wounds still fresh inside me when I lost you when, all along, when he was still around, I knew I already got over you? Why do I still cry about the time when I lost you when it has been five months and two weeks when you left me? Why? Why? Why? I don't know if I'll go on. Why am I so bothered when I'm not supposed to be bothered anymore? This dilemma has to end at all cost. I hope I can find a way to do so... soon... I hope... soon...

Something New in What I do

I hope you'll like viewing them.... This is one of my outlets and I wish for all of you to know... ^-^ If you want to know how I drew them, just click the figure. By the way, join the website so you can rate my drawings and create your own, too. ENJOY!!!

Unforgettable Times in My Life - When I Turned 18 and My College Days

So far, my high school life seemed more of a blessing after all and going to college would be fun again. I was looking forward to be in College and meet more people and enjoy my life as free as I can. I did live a free kind of life when I was in college. i could go to places during free times and breaks. i get to eat to different food chains near and around the school (the real reason why I chose to be in St. Scholastica's College, Manila). Of course, go out and stroll in malls with my peers. I was also glad because I was able to have my prayer meeting with my fellow YFC brothers and sisters in DLSU and get to research in their library. But, somehow, when I turned 18, things got a little awkward for me and I feel strange about it. Because I was a grantee, I don't pay a single cent for my tuition fee. I only pay for miscellaneous fees and I also have to work in school and complete 60 hrs. a semester. I also get 500 bucks as my monthly allowance from the school. When I finally reached my age of 18, I told myself that I had to be what I am, and become what I want to be ---A TEACHER. I pursued my degree majoring in English. And of all the subjects, why English? Because I know I could get anywhere having English as a major. I was your typical student then. My grades weren't that bad. I got the first 3 letters in the alpahabet for a grade. I get to know more about myself, everyday. I related to alot of independent people mostly from the MassCom block and the Interior Design class. Well, maybe because I am inclined to the arts than the sciences. ^-^ Nonetheless, I made friends more in college. It's also during these times in my life where I get to buy the things I like after saving some amount for myself from the allowance I get. I don't want and I DON'T LIKE the feeling that I'll be asking money from my Inay just for my consumption in school (unless I'm really flat broke). I spend for my lunch and snacks where I never get enough of the crepé (yummy!!!=9)either banana, mango or peaches (of course I need a variety so I won't puke afterwards and want more of it). Even the "manangs" know exactly my kind of taste. I was busy trying out different cuisines in the canteen the way i was busy thinking about my classes. It was also during this time of my life where I can say that I was really studious. I often go to the library to read the books I'm interested in. I also get to borrow the books I need for my assignment and researches. It wasn't hard looking for a book because I just I have to press some keys, type in the titles or the auihtor's name from an eCatalog and presto! I know where to look for it. My classmates and friends would often ask me if I can still move or do it. In a firm way, I assure them, that I still can. They would often see me going to the library or see me reading some hand-outs on a cofee table. But, to my blockmates, I was serious in my studies but I was still easy-go-lucky. Well, I don't want to be hard on myslef you know. At long breaks, my boyfriend (ex-boyfriend) and I see each other in the University Mall just infront of our school. I get to mingle with his friends, too. They study in DLSU. Some from the main, some from Benilde. Sometimes, we get to eat together in Green Archers (spaghetti anyone?), in Jollibee, in Wendy's, in KFC, or in McDo. We had a great time together though I was always nagging him. But, it cam to a point where I need to be tested with my own patience. .... To be continued.