My Memory Journal...(unfinished...)
JUST MY KIND OF DAY
It was a cloudy, Saturday afternoon in Manila. I needed a hot café mocha while waiting at Starbucks for Rein. Shit! What’s taking his fat ass long to get here. I mumbled that in my head. Though the words were almost scattered in my brain, I paused for a moment and got my little inspirational gadget and read something to inspire me and enlighten the hell out of me. I missed a lot. Damn I did miss a lot these days! I’ve been busy in the office for five straight days, rest myself to sleep for 30 minutes then back at my feet to work. I was workaholic already. 
Sometimes, I would forget to eat my snacks. Well, this is a good way of dieting I guess, making my tummy grumble and digest air all the time…burp…. Ahh…what a relief.
I didn’t notice he was right in front of me. Had I not sipped on my hot café mocha I wouldn’t know. “So where we’ll go from here?” He’d asked. I was thinking, “Where do you think?.” Before I even uttered those words, I started telling him some stories about writers, my mermaid professor, my life when I was in college and what I am right now. He remembered his days, too before the time he stopped going to school, which I’m glad he’s back to school again.
Sipping once, twice, putting my inspirational gadget back in where it belongs (Thank God for this book! Mwah!) then tapped him to go to a bookstore.
MEMORIES I NEVER THOUGHT OF UNTIL THIS DAY
Inside a moving vehicle, Rein and I were the only passengers. Funny, but a part of my mind flashed pictures of him when we first met. It wasn’t a date though.
It all started when a friend of mine introduced him to me one rainy afternoon. I’m no longer a student that time. I kept a distance from him that I never thought will cease as time passed us by. I even thought he was a part of a ministry I was in so I’m glad to meet him. I had mistaken him as a priest. His type of persona was calmness. By the first look on his face, you could say that maybe he’s a seminarian. But, whoa! By the time you get to know him a little bit more and be in his company, GREAT! He is not the type that is likely to be going to priesthood…then, I closed the book I was reading. I was tempted to look for books that gives regard to things that people think is freaky. But, its normal to get a little freaky sometimes, get crazy and cranky sometimes, get colds from a high-temperatured aircondition unit, get dissolved with the rain. Ah, as your name implies dear, you’re always in the rain. We met under a rainy day. We went out together under the rain. And now I guess it’s going to rain again. I bet on it.
Rainy afternoons. 
One rainy, Saturday afternoon.
A very similar timeline, in a similar atmosphere, in a different date and year. Looks like its going to rain again. That’s what I was thinking while Rein and I were in the cab.
We’re heading home. Ay, thank God we’re heading…home? Hey, I live in the other street. Ah…that’s okay. He’s the one calling the shots so I might as well just sit back and let him take care of things. That’s what I thought he’ll do.
We went out from the cab, holding a plastic bag with rice and viand for our lunch then bought cans of soda which I was holding as we headed to his unit. Nice! There was a grin smile on my mind. We went in and there. I saw the frames. Something’s odd though. One frame, whose style and shape is similar to that of the other was on a separate wall. The intricate designs on of the frame where from the classic (I guess…) somewhat romantic in style. The clock was included in the other group. Ah…I know…the law of equilibrium. Why am I picking on things? I am not from here, I’m from the other side of the street. But I like it here. A small unit, and it’s cozy though it needs a lot of cleaning. Kill the dust! Store what can be stored. Throw the trash! Where is the trash?
Then, we ate, laughed, tell more stories, played more RPGs, watched the DVD and before we know it, it’s already seven in the evening and I’m still here. We didn’t take notice of the time because we enjoyed each other’s company and hey, the sky’s red, a lightning was on this side and there. I told you it’ll rain again, as his name implies… Hay! Then I’ll be staying here till heaven’s tears die down.
My cell phone rang like running horses, so I jumped up the sofa and answered. Ah… Mom again. Mom called and asked where I am. I told her I was with Rein and am stuck in his place. She said I can stay there till the rains die down. They’ll fetch me in the morning. They won’t be home tonight since the rain and an angry gust of wind heavily shove the streets. So, they’ll be back by tomorrow. I gave her kisses and some for Dad and went on to watch the movie beside Rein, who was just sitting on the couch taking a big munch of nachos while his eyes are glued on the screen.
HE GOT ME
The atmosphere was different. The place became light to the feeling. I sat back with Rein on the couch, grabbed my own dose of nachos as I concentrated on what was already being watched.
I was staring at the t.v. screen watching Spawn. I got up for a drink. When I came back, Rein was offering his hand to me. So I handed my hand to him and what the… he pulled me near him then he said, “Sit here infront of me.” So I did. I don’t know what an electronic fool I am that I immediately obeyed my Master Remote Control. At least, his big and fluffy. Squishy! Then my mind went to oblivion.
“Gotcha!!!” was the word I heard from Rein after tickling me for 2 minutes then he stared at me. Uhm…is there a dirt in my eye? “What?”, I grinned. “Your so nice…” “Huh?” Then his right hand moved around my waist and then my head move into oblivion again. What’s this? It’s hot and it’s burning inside m
y body. Who’s the heater? I can’t break loose… I like this feeling…stop… then in a moments time, I saw him smiling. His eyes was radiating from an unknown light – a happy light – that I’ve never seen before. “Rein…what’s the kiss for?” “Coz’ your wonderful…” Then he did it again. This time his hands were moving on my body. I was not looking. Closing my eyes would allow me to make this feeling last in my memory. As my eyes were shut, I could only feel every warmth he was giving me. He continued. I lied on the couch with no strength of pulling him off me. The rain went on pouring like pails of tiny ice stones on the roof. Rein didn’t seem to mind the ice stones. His mind rested on me.
Right there, at eight in the evening, he got me! Yup, he just got me. I was cornered by his strong, warm arms, embraced by the pillows of heaven, I reached paradise in his arms, in his body, in his soul. It was something I don’t want to lose. And for the first time, I had something I don’t want to let go of, ever.
But, what about Rein? What about his life? How is he going to take this?
Confusion started to build in my head. I was with Silence. Silence placed me in the darkness of confusion, of doubt. NO! Rein is a gentleman. A true friend and a caring son and brother. NO! Rein is just having fun. He just wanted to enjoy life. NO! This is real. He got me. I’m his property now… ah… believe me, this is the mark of a virgin who has just tasted the beauty of heaven in the arms of a man she loves but who, I guess, just wanted to have fun. (Heavy sigh….) Or does he? Take note, the man I love. What kind of words did you put in my mouth?
Whatever has gone in to me, I had no regrets. Rein’s eyes were wonderful. His face became lighter. I made someone happy. That made me happy, too. “I guess my shoulders were really made for your head. See how your head fits on my shoulders. No one ever fits in there but you…” “Really? I guess I just love to be cuddled all the time.” Then I pressed my nose to his fluffy shoulders (he’s fat, remember?)… “No one has ever cared for me like you do.” I was speechless. ME? How? When I’m not often with you? He felt that I cared. Yes! I do care for you… a lot!
Then down there, beneath his wings, I went into slumber.
I don’t care what time it is. I know it stopped right here…right here with Rein…
BACK TO WHAT SEEMED A NORMAL DAY
It was past seven in the morning when we woke up. To my surprise, Rein was looking at me. Smiling. Caressing my face with the back of his hand then kissed me on my forehead. He got up and got me some cereals and milk. Nice!
I headed home after a breakfast with Rein. The door’s still closed. Good thing I got my own key. I went in, took a shower and hurried off to work. I called Mom to let her know I’m already on my way to the office.
I’m in the office now. I’m back with papers to read, edit, proofread, label, to be received, to be listed, name it, it’s all right here. I’m back with my new computer unit which I made personalized for the sake of the office I’m in. I’m back with two big blue and white logbooks for the papers we let go and the papers we receive. I’m back in my mono-block, beige chair, my wooden table with four drawers. I’m glad I’m back in the jungle where I belong.
Unusual though, I’m back here but my head is somewhere out this jungle. I’m back in this wilderness but my mind’s visions were out somewhere in the woods, wandering…Wandering to look for something different, something I have lost, something I want, something I can’t get enough of, something I was waiting to happen, again, to me, under that cold, rainy afternoon, something that would zap me into oblivion again so I could forget the whole world even for a moment, or a lifetime would be better. 
My mind is filled with these things. All of those that had happened in that rainy, Saturday afternoon at Rein’s are in my head. I’m typing, sipping tea after every paragraph I finish. I need to be busy. Idleness makes me remember all of it.
I’m not like this before. I never had something that I really wanted and looked for in my whole damn freaking life. I’m not… this. My work, the day, the office, the people around me, they are all the same. I look the same to them, but they don’t know what’s inside me. There’s something inside this body that wants to explode if I didn’t get what I longed for. Ahh… I want you again…. No… I need you, again….it’s cold in here… I need to nestle inside your arms… I need to be enveloped in the wideness of your wings… under this cold and angry rain…I need this…again…for me…just one more time…please, take me home!
AITAKUTETA!
Sipping thru my tea again, I got a bunch of papers to re-type and edit. Oh, well, what do you know this is just like making examination questionnaires for students. I personally don’t like the idea that some teachers asked their nieces, nephews, sons or daughters to check them. I’d do that myself. 
As I was saying, there’s this window near the wooden walls, that’s open. All other windows are not except for this one. Which reminds me, I looked at the window where it stares at a condo right in front of it. I saw you in the other unit. Oops! I whispered to myself. Wrong. It’s not him. So my so-called sixth sense doesn’t notice what’s real and not in this world. I neither recognize both. But the thing is, I saw you or again, maybe not.
I walked on an aisle. I was walking with somebody. Hey! Oops! Not again. It’s just an officemate of mine who had just gone out next to me. I know it was you, but again, maybe not.
How the hell am I going to think straight? I turn to the right, I see reflections of you. I turn to the other side, I see you again. Behind me, beside me, around me, damn it, you’re there. My memory of you keeps you visible to me, everyday. Don’t know if you’re haunting me. Don’t know if you’re thinking of me this way, too. I know I’m sure of one thing – I am missing you too much already! Too much that I see you everywhere I turn, or look, or walk to. Everywhere, becomes you.
Rein, how the hell did you get here? Ay! Damn! You’re not there, but you’re killing me! Get your ass out here, please! I’m drowning with faces of you around my world! I’m sinking, drowning… How long will I keep up with you this way?
THE PLEAD
Finally, I’m back at home. My folks aren’t around yet. It’s a good thing I didn’t go crazy in the office. How can you move around normally if you feel like he’s everywhere haunting you wherever you go and whatever you look onto?
My favorite place’s the kitchen. I got myself some hot coffee, grabbed a book in my hand, and sipped through my coffee again. Ring…. The doorbell. Maybe my folks are there. I excitedly got up from the sofa and looked at the door-hole. Great! It’s Rein.
I gave him my casual “Hi” and let him sit on the other end of the sofa. “Need a drink?” “No, thanks,” was his plain reply. “So, what made you come here?” I started. “Just wanna know if you’re okay.” “I am. Why ask?” “I’m worried.” “’Bout what?”, with a grin on my face and a slight chuckle down my throat. “’Bout you. I mean last night…” “Last night, you just went out of control, fascinated by the movie we’re watching and the thought of being alone…” “….I love you!” “Come again, sir?” “You heard me. Last night was different. It was real. Just one thing, though… Maira, please, don’t leave me.” 
I was dumbfounded. …don’t leave me…. The phrase went around my head like an unstoppable roller coaster. What is he up to now? Then again, the kiss. It was different from last night. It wasn’t wild. It was passionate, dragging me into his world. My feet were numb and weak. But I was still standing.
“Ah…Rein…Are you sure… you’re okay?” I said in between kisses. “Yeah! I’m happy I have you. Hope you’ll stay by my side no matter what…hmmm…” I’ll stay as long as you like. My head was the one answering. My heart was silent, and thinking. “I think you better go. My folks will be back at six o’ clock.” “Okay. Thanks for hearing me out. By the way, you were great last night.” He said with a smile. I just smiled back, waved at him as he closed the door. Whew! That was safe. I made an alibi so it won’t happen again. But, I know I still wanted it to happen.
I sat back and sipped all of my coffee, grabbed the book I was reading and sat back on the sofa.
My parents got home at seven o’ clock in the evening. Dinner was ready. We ate, talked, exchanged work-stories as if nothing was with me or with Rein.
It was nothing. But it hurt me to think it was nothing.
Sometimes, I would forget to eat my snacks. Well, this is a good way of dieting I guess, making my tummy grumble and digest air all the time…burp…. Ahh…what a relief.
I didn’t notice he was right in front of me. Had I not sipped on my hot café mocha I wouldn’t know. “So where we’ll go from here?” He’d asked. I was thinking, “Where do you think?.” Before I even uttered those words, I started telling him some stories about writers, my mermaid professor, my life when I was in college and what I am right now. He remembered his days, too before the time he stopped going to school, which I’m glad he’s back to school again.
Sipping once, twice, putting my inspirational gadget back in where it belongs (Thank God for this book! Mwah!) then tapped him to go to a bookstore.
MEMORIES I NEVER THOUGHT OF UNTIL THIS DAY
Inside a moving vehicle, Rein and I were the only passengers. Funny, but a part of my mind flashed pictures of him when we first met. It wasn’t a date though.
It all started when a friend of mine introduced him to me one rainy afternoon. I’m no longer a student that time. I kept a distance from him that I never thought will cease as time passed us by. I even thought he was a part of a ministry I was in so I’m glad to meet him. I had mistaken him as a priest. His type of persona was calmness. By the first look on his face, you could say that maybe he’s a seminarian. But, whoa! By the time you get to know him a little bit more and be in his company, GREAT! He is not the type that is likely to be going to priesthood…then, I closed the book I was reading. I was tempted to look for books that gives regard to things that people think is freaky. But, its normal to get a little freaky sometimes, get crazy and cranky sometimes, get colds from a high-temperatured aircondition unit, get dissolved with the rain. Ah, as your name implies dear, you’re always in the rain. We met under a rainy day. We went out together under the rain. And now I guess it’s going to rain again. I bet on it.
Rainy afternoons. 
One rainy, Saturday afternoon.
A very similar timeline, in a similar atmosphere, in a different date and year. Looks like its going to rain again. That’s what I was thinking while Rein and I were in the cab.
We’re heading home. Ay, thank God we’re heading…home? Hey, I live in the other street. Ah…that’s okay. He’s the one calling the shots so I might as well just sit back and let him take care of things. That’s what I thought he’ll do.
We went out from the cab, holding a plastic bag with rice and viand for our lunch then bought cans of soda which I was holding as we headed to his unit. Nice! There was a grin smile on my mind. We went in and there. I saw the frames. Something’s odd though. One frame, whose style and shape is similar to that of the other was on a separate wall. The intricate designs on of the frame where from the classic (I guess…) somewhat romantic in style. The clock was included in the other group. Ah…I know…the law of equilibrium. Why am I picking on things? I am not from here, I’m from the other side of the street. But I like it here. A small unit, and it’s cozy though it needs a lot of cleaning. Kill the dust! Store what can be stored. Throw the trash! Where is the trash?
Then, we ate, laughed, tell more stories, played more RPGs, watched the DVD and before we know it, it’s already seven in the evening and I’m still here. We didn’t take notice of the time because we enjoyed each other’s company and hey, the sky’s red, a lightning was on this side and there. I told you it’ll rain again, as his name implies… Hay! Then I’ll be staying here till heaven’s tears die down.
My cell phone rang like running horses, so I jumped up the sofa and answered. Ah… Mom again. Mom called and asked where I am. I told her I was with Rein and am stuck in his place. She said I can stay there till the rains die down. They’ll fetch me in the morning. They won’t be home tonight since the rain and an angry gust of wind heavily shove the streets. So, they’ll be back by tomorrow. I gave her kisses and some for Dad and went on to watch the movie beside Rein, who was just sitting on the couch taking a big munch of nachos while his eyes are glued on the screen.
HE GOT ME
The atmosphere was different. The place became light to the feeling. I sat back with Rein on the couch, grabbed my own dose of nachos as I concentrated on what was already being watched.
I was staring at the t.v. screen watching Spawn. I got up for a drink. When I came back, Rein was offering his hand to me. So I handed my hand to him and what the… he pulled me near him then he said, “Sit here infront of me.” So I did. I don’t know what an electronic fool I am that I immediately obeyed my Master Remote Control. At least, his big and fluffy. Squishy! Then my mind went to oblivion.
“Gotcha!!!” was the word I heard from Rein after tickling me for 2 minutes then he stared at me. Uhm…is there a dirt in my eye? “What?”, I grinned. “Your so nice…” “Huh?” Then his right hand moved around my waist and then my head move into oblivion again. What’s this? It’s hot and it’s burning inside m
y body. Who’s the heater? I can’t break loose… I like this feeling…stop… then in a moments time, I saw him smiling. His eyes was radiating from an unknown light – a happy light – that I’ve never seen before. “Rein…what’s the kiss for?” “Coz’ your wonderful…” Then he did it again. This time his hands were moving on my body. I was not looking. Closing my eyes would allow me to make this feeling last in my memory. As my eyes were shut, I could only feel every warmth he was giving me. He continued. I lied on the couch with no strength of pulling him off me. The rain went on pouring like pails of tiny ice stones on the roof. Rein didn’t seem to mind the ice stones. His mind rested on me.
Right there, at eight in the evening, he got me! Yup, he just got me. I was cornered by his strong, warm arms, embraced by the pillows of heaven, I reached paradise in his arms, in his body, in his soul. It was something I don’t want to lose. And for the first time, I had something I don’t want to let go of, ever.
But, what about Rein? What about his life? How is he going to take this?
Confusion started to build in my head. I was with Silence. Silence placed me in the darkness of confusion, of doubt. NO! Rein is a gentleman. A true friend and a caring son and brother. NO! Rein is just having fun. He just wanted to enjoy life. NO! This is real. He got me. I’m his property now… ah… believe me, this is the mark of a virgin who has just tasted the beauty of heaven in the arms of a man she loves but who, I guess, just wanted to have fun. (Heavy sigh….) Or does he? Take note, the man I love. What kind of words did you put in my mouth?
Whatever has gone in to me, I had no regrets. Rein’s eyes were wonderful. His face became lighter. I made someone happy. That made me happy, too. “I guess my shoulders were really made for your head. See how your head fits on my shoulders. No one ever fits in there but you…” “Really? I guess I just love to be cuddled all the time.” Then I pressed my nose to his fluffy shoulders (he’s fat, remember?)… “No one has ever cared for me like you do.” I was speechless. ME? How? When I’m not often with you? He felt that I cared. Yes! I do care for you… a lot!
Then down there, beneath his wings, I went into slumber.
I don’t care what time it is. I know it stopped right here…right here with Rein…
BACK TO WHAT SEEMED A NORMAL DAY
It was past seven in the morning when we woke up. To my surprise, Rein was looking at me. Smiling. Caressing my face with the back of his hand then kissed me on my forehead. He got up and got me some cereals and milk. Nice!
I headed home after a breakfast with Rein. The door’s still closed. Good thing I got my own key. I went in, took a shower and hurried off to work. I called Mom to let her know I’m already on my way to the office.
I’m in the office now. I’m back with papers to read, edit, proofread, label, to be received, to be listed, name it, it’s all right here. I’m back with my new computer unit which I made personalized for the sake of the office I’m in. I’m back with two big blue and white logbooks for the papers we let go and the papers we receive. I’m back in my mono-block, beige chair, my wooden table with four drawers. I’m glad I’m back in the jungle where I belong.
Unusual though, I’m back here but my head is somewhere out this jungle. I’m back in this wilderness but my mind’s visions were out somewhere in the woods, wandering…Wandering to look for something different, something I have lost, something I want, something I can’t get enough of, something I was waiting to happen, again, to me, under that cold, rainy afternoon, something that would zap me into oblivion again so I could forget the whole world even for a moment, or a lifetime would be better. 
My mind is filled with these things. All of those that had happened in that rainy, Saturday afternoon at Rein’s are in my head. I’m typing, sipping tea after every paragraph I finish. I need to be busy. Idleness makes me remember all of it.
I’m not like this before. I never had something that I really wanted and looked for in my whole damn freaking life. I’m not… this. My work, the day, the office, the people around me, they are all the same. I look the same to them, but they don’t know what’s inside me. There’s something inside this body that wants to explode if I didn’t get what I longed for. Ahh… I want you again…. No… I need you, again….it’s cold in here… I need to nestle inside your arms… I need to be enveloped in the wideness of your wings… under this cold and angry rain…I need this…again…for me…just one more time…please, take me home!
AITAKUTETA!
Sipping thru my tea again, I got a bunch of papers to re-type and edit. Oh, well, what do you know this is just like making examination questionnaires for students. I personally don’t like the idea that some teachers asked their nieces, nephews, sons or daughters to check them. I’d do that myself. 
As I was saying, there’s this window near the wooden walls, that’s open. All other windows are not except for this one. Which reminds me, I looked at the window where it stares at a condo right in front of it. I saw you in the other unit. Oops! I whispered to myself. Wrong. It’s not him. So my so-called sixth sense doesn’t notice what’s real and not in this world. I neither recognize both. But the thing is, I saw you or again, maybe not.
I walked on an aisle. I was walking with somebody. Hey! Oops! Not again. It’s just an officemate of mine who had just gone out next to me. I know it was you, but again, maybe not.
How the hell am I going to think straight? I turn to the right, I see reflections of you. I turn to the other side, I see you again. Behind me, beside me, around me, damn it, you’re there. My memory of you keeps you visible to me, everyday. Don’t know if you’re haunting me. Don’t know if you’re thinking of me this way, too. I know I’m sure of one thing – I am missing you too much already! Too much that I see you everywhere I turn, or look, or walk to. Everywhere, becomes you.
Rein, how the hell did you get here? Ay! Damn! You’re not there, but you’re killing me! Get your ass out here, please! I’m drowning with faces of you around my world! I’m sinking, drowning… How long will I keep up with you this way?
THE PLEAD
Finally, I’m back at home. My folks aren’t around yet. It’s a good thing I didn’t go crazy in the office. How can you move around normally if you feel like he’s everywhere haunting you wherever you go and whatever you look onto?
My favorite place’s the kitchen. I got myself some hot coffee, grabbed a book in my hand, and sipped through my coffee again. Ring…. The doorbell. Maybe my folks are there. I excitedly got up from the sofa and looked at the door-hole. Great! It’s Rein.
I gave him my casual “Hi” and let him sit on the other end of the sofa. “Need a drink?” “No, thanks,” was his plain reply. “So, what made you come here?” I started. “Just wanna know if you’re okay.” “I am. Why ask?” “I’m worried.” “’Bout what?”, with a grin on my face and a slight chuckle down my throat. “’Bout you. I mean last night…” “Last night, you just went out of control, fascinated by the movie we’re watching and the thought of being alone…” “….I love you!” “Come again, sir?” “You heard me. Last night was different. It was real. Just one thing, though… Maira, please, don’t leave me.” 
I was dumbfounded. …don’t leave me…. The phrase went around my head like an unstoppable roller coaster. What is he up to now? Then again, the kiss. It was different from last night. It wasn’t wild. It was passionate, dragging me into his world. My feet were numb and weak. But I was still standing.
“Ah…Rein…Are you sure… you’re okay?” I said in between kisses. “Yeah! I’m happy I have you. Hope you’ll stay by my side no matter what…hmmm…” I’ll stay as long as you like. My head was the one answering. My heart was silent, and thinking. “I think you better go. My folks will be back at six o’ clock.” “Okay. Thanks for hearing me out. By the way, you were great last night.” He said with a smile. I just smiled back, waved at him as he closed the door. Whew! That was safe. I made an alibi so it won’t happen again. But, I know I still wanted it to happen.
I sat back and sipped all of my coffee, grabbed the book I was reading and sat back on the sofa.
My parents got home at seven o’ clock in the evening. Dinner was ready. We ate, talked, exchanged work-stories as if nothing was with me or with Rein.
It was nothing. But it hurt me to think it was nothing.
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