My Memory Journal -- Final Entries

AT PRESENT That was how it was 6 years ago. In those 6 long years, Rein and I went out for sometime. The last thing i know is that he moved to another place. It's somewhere near Parañaque. But, i have no idea where the exact place is. Since then, I lived in a condo in Makati. No visits from him. No phone calls. No letters sent. No communication at all. Then, I got lucky! I was lucky, I thought, because I was able to get here in Los Angeles. I'm still in L.A. studying another degree. I'm in my 4th year now. But, somehow, somewhere at the back of my head, the thought of Rein never ceased. I would even dream of him. Crazy, isn't it? I get those sexual dreams with him. In reality, I never thought of him. Maybe because I was busy with my reports and my studies, plus the fact that I've been here for 4 long years and all i missed was my room back in the condo in Makati. With me here is a photo that i personally framed. It's a photo of me and my bestfriend, Minami (she's Japanese, you know...) and another is a solo photo of me in my best and newest outfit---the light brown bolero-topped-spaghetti strapped-baby pink fitted shirt with my pleated rust-pink laced skirt . I bought a heart-shaped frame for no good reason at a shop nearby. It has the same intricate classic designs of flowers as that of the ones i saw from Rein's unit before. But, it's empty. The frame is in bronze, bringing a sepia brightness to it's emptiness telling me of something that has long been gone. "Long gone, but am still dreaming of him every now and then", ay! I'm done with my papers though. Now, what can i have for dinner? I searched my personal refrigerator just right beside me while i type my last entries... uhmmm....ah...yougurt! Maybe not. I'd rather take 2 slices of marble jelly cake before eating my yougurt. Wait! i saw a pasta mini-shop that had just stopped right...there... MEMORIES IN A JOURNEY Yum! i just had my pasta. Pasta, Rein's cooking expertise has something to do with pasta. My eating expertise goes to pasta. That's something. Yum, yum, yum! I wished that pasta mini-shop will stay right there till next week. But, you know, people here work almost non-stop, especially in NY. So some had to travel far and wide to earn a living. I'm already having a bit of my cake now. It's nice to be typing, while eating, while thinking, while eating again. I have reduced for I-don't-know-how-many-pounds now. I'm a bit slim than before i got here. The city's a bit colder these days since it's near Christmas. Ah...back to my sheets. The blankets, the bed sheets, my pillows, their softness, all reminds me of my room back home. Back home near with Rein before, where we heated our cold body's from a cold rainy day. Look, wake up dear! You're in L.A. he's in your hometown, what are you thinking? Ah...i just can't stop the daydreaming, the thinking. No. i can't stop yearning. No, I'm just reminiscing. Nope. I'm longing for it...I am. But, how is he anyway? But, my thinking will stop, i know. It will. I'll be back home after my graduation. Well, 2 years after my graduation. So long for this. My thoughts are still on a journey and i'm concentrating with my yougurt and... Wait! I'll buy some more pasta!!! Waaaaaiiiiiit!!!!.... dedicated to Rafael Lorenzo Fenix y Malixi

My Memory Journal...2

A MONTH AGO Little wormy thoughts crawled down my tummy. God! it's a month already, i thought. i feel bloated. i feel drowsy. no. not drowsy. no. i'm dizzy, i feel like vomiting but i can't. no! No!!! i am not. I...am...not... My peeing got a little painful. i must say, my pelvic bones needed repairs, too, i thought. Ah...My UTI again. It's killing me. I'm scared to get a check up you know. What'll i do if i find out that...ah. Then, i texted Rein. I asked him what if one day he'll know that he's going to be a father, what will he do, then. I asked him this morning and look at that if your getting lucky. See! He had no replied till now. It's six in the evening. I've been bumping into women who has eaten a basket of apples. Their tummies are really bulging. It looks as if it's gonna explode. I'm gettting scared. I was looking at baby stuff. I missed the way Rein held me and told me that he'll buy blue shirts for our baby girl. Hello! Blue stuff for our baby girl. What was i thinking? He has not proposed yet. Not even once. Ay! I went home like a zombie. I uttered nothing when mom and I got back home. I sat back. I lied in bed. Am i? no! I texted my bestfriend. I asked her what she did to know if she's going to be a mom soon. The answer: TESTER. ah! I'm not gonna use that. no, no, no, no! My negative expressions did buy me anything. i bought it anyway. i was shaking to death. i can't breathe. I was sweating really cold from head to toes. i can't move an inch. I can't even blink an eye. I'm waiting for that small strip of red to come up. When one red strip did, i was waiting for another one. But i'd faint if it did. I thought the tester was broken. I thought it was fake. I waited longer. No second red strip had gone up. It means...I'm safe. Thank God! Thank God! That really scared the hell out of me. Now, i can walk lightly. My face brightened up a little. I washed my face and thought. I'm not what I think I was. I'm safe! Whew! Thank God I am safe! Rein's safe, too. He's reaction of not replying made it clear to me that i have nothing to worry about that sweet, hot night between us.

My Memory Journal...(unfinished...)

JUST MY KIND OF DAY It was a cloudy, Saturday afternoon in Manila. I needed a hot café mocha while waiting at Starbucks for Rein. Shit! What’s taking his fat ass long to get here. I mumbled that in my head. Though the words were almost scattered in my brain, I paused for a moment and got my little inspirational gadget and read something to inspire me and enlighten the hell out of me. I missed a lot. Damn I did miss a lot these days! I’ve been busy in the office for five straight days, rest myself to sleep for 30 minutes then back at my feet to work. I was workaholic already. Sometimes, I would forget to eat my snacks. Well, this is a good way of dieting I guess, making my tummy grumble and digest air all the time…burp…. Ahh…what a relief. I didn’t notice he was right in front of me. Had I not sipped on my hot café mocha I wouldn’t know. “So where we’ll go from here?” He’d asked. I was thinking, “Where do you think?.” Before I even uttered those words, I started telling him some stories about writers, my mermaid professor, my life when I was in college and what I am right now. He remembered his days, too before the time he stopped going to school, which I’m glad he’s back to school again. Sipping once, twice, putting my inspirational gadget back in where it belongs (Thank God for this book! Mwah!) then tapped him to go to a bookstore. MEMORIES I NEVER THOUGHT OF UNTIL THIS DAY Inside a moving vehicle, Rein and I were the only passengers. Funny, but a part of my mind flashed pictures of him when we first met. It wasn’t a date though. It all started when a friend of mine introduced him to me one rainy afternoon. I’m no longer a student that time. I kept a distance from him that I never thought will cease as time passed us by. I even thought he was a part of a ministry I was in so I’m glad to meet him. I had mistaken him as a priest. His type of persona was calmness. By the first look on his face, you could say that maybe he’s a seminarian. But, whoa! By the time you get to know him a little bit more and be in his company, GREAT! He is not the type that is likely to be going to priesthood…then, I closed the book I was reading. I was tempted to look for books that gives regard to things that people think is freaky. But, its normal to get a little freaky sometimes, get crazy and cranky sometimes, get colds from a high-temperatured aircondition unit, get dissolved with the rain. Ah, as your name implies dear, you’re always in the rain. We met under a rainy day. We went out together under the rain. And now I guess it’s going to rain again. I bet on it. Rainy afternoons. One rainy, Saturday afternoon. A very similar timeline, in a similar atmosphere, in a different date and year. Looks like its going to rain again. That’s what I was thinking while Rein and I were in the cab. We’re heading home. Ay, thank God we’re heading…home? Hey, I live in the other street. Ah…that’s okay. He’s the one calling the shots so I might as well just sit back and let him take care of things. That’s what I thought he’ll do. We went out from the cab, holding a plastic bag with rice and viand for our lunch then bought cans of soda which I was holding as we headed to his unit. Nice! There was a grin smile on my mind. We went in and there. I saw the frames. Something’s odd though. One frame, whose style and shape is similar to that of the other was on a separate wall. The intricate designs on of the frame where from the classic (I guess…) somewhat romantic in style. The clock was included in the other group. Ah…I know…the law of equilibrium. Why am I picking on things? I am not from here, I’m from the other side of the street. But I like it here. A small unit, and it’s cozy though it needs a lot of cleaning. Kill the dust! Store what can be stored. Throw the trash! Where is the trash? Then, we ate, laughed, tell more stories, played more RPGs, watched the DVD and before we know it, it’s already seven in the evening and I’m still here. We didn’t take notice of the time because we enjoyed each other’s company and hey, the sky’s red, a lightning was on this side and there. I told you it’ll rain again, as his name implies… Hay! Then I’ll be staying here till heaven’s tears die down. My cell phone rang like running horses, so I jumped up the sofa and answered. Ah… Mom again. Mom called and asked where I am. I told her I was with Rein and am stuck in his place. She said I can stay there till the rains die down. They’ll fetch me in the morning. They won’t be home tonight since the rain and an angry gust of wind heavily shove the streets. So, they’ll be back by tomorrow. I gave her kisses and some for Dad and went on to watch the movie beside Rein, who was just sitting on the couch taking a big munch of nachos while his eyes are glued on the screen. HE GOT ME The atmosphere was different. The place became light to the feeling. I sat back with Rein on the couch, grabbed my own dose of nachos as I concentrated on what was already being watched. I was staring at the t.v. screen watching Spawn. I got up for a drink. When I came back, Rein was offering his hand to me. So I handed my hand to him and what the… he pulled me near him then he said, “Sit here infront of me.” So I did. I don’t know what an electronic fool I am that I immediately obeyed my Master Remote Control. At least, his big and fluffy. Squishy! Then my mind went to oblivion. “Gotcha!!!” was the word I heard from Rein after tickling me for 2 minutes then he stared at me. Uhm…is there a dirt in my eye? “What?”, I grinned. “Your so nice…” “Huh?” Then his right hand moved around my waist and then my head move into oblivion again. What’s this? It’s hot and it’s burning inside my body. Who’s the heater? I can’t break loose… I like this feeling…stop… then in a moments time, I saw him smiling. His eyes was radiating from an unknown light – a happy light – that I’ve never seen before. “Rein…what’s the kiss for?” “Coz’ your wonderful…” Then he did it again. This time his hands were moving on my body. I was not looking. Closing my eyes would allow me to make this feeling last in my memory. As my eyes were shut, I could only feel every warmth he was giving me. He continued. I lied on the couch with no strength of pulling him off me. The rain went on pouring like pails of tiny ice stones on the roof. Rein didn’t seem to mind the ice stones. His mind rested on me. Right there, at eight in the evening, he got me! Yup, he just got me. I was cornered by his strong, warm arms, embraced by the pillows of heaven, I reached paradise in his arms, in his body, in his soul. It was something I don’t want to lose. And for the first time, I had something I don’t want to let go of, ever. But, what about Rein? What about his life? How is he going to take this? Confusion started to build in my head. I was with Silence. Silence placed me in the darkness of confusion, of doubt. NO! Rein is a gentleman. A true friend and a caring son and brother. NO! Rein is just having fun. He just wanted to enjoy life. NO! This is real. He got me. I’m his property now… ah… believe me, this is the mark of a virgin who has just tasted the beauty of heaven in the arms of a man she loves but who, I guess, just wanted to have fun. (Heavy sigh….) Or does he? Take note, the man I love. What kind of words did you put in my mouth? Whatever has gone in to me, I had no regrets. Rein’s eyes were wonderful. His face became lighter. I made someone happy. That made me happy, too. “I guess my shoulders were really made for your head. See how your head fits on my shoulders. No one ever fits in there but you…” “Really? I guess I just love to be cuddled all the time.” Then I pressed my nose to his fluffy shoulders (he’s fat, remember?)… “No one has ever cared for me like you do.” I was speechless. ME? How? When I’m not often with you? He felt that I cared. Yes! I do care for you… a lot! Then down there, beneath his wings, I went into slumber. I don’t care what time it is. I know it stopped right here…right here with Rein… BACK TO WHAT SEEMED A NORMAL DAY It was past seven in the morning when we woke up. To my surprise, Rein was looking at me. Smiling. Caressing my face with the back of his hand then kissed me on my forehead. He got up and got me some cereals and milk. Nice! I headed home after a breakfast with Rein. The door’s still closed. Good thing I got my own key. I went in, took a shower and hurried off to work. I called Mom to let her know I’m already on my way to the office. I’m in the office now. I’m back with papers to read, edit, proofread, label, to be received, to be listed, name it, it’s all right here. I’m back with my new computer unit which I made personalized for the sake of the office I’m in. I’m back with two big blue and white logbooks for the papers we let go and the papers we receive. I’m back in my mono-block, beige chair, my wooden table with four drawers. I’m glad I’m back in the jungle where I belong. Unusual though, I’m back here but my head is somewhere out this jungle. I’m back in this wilderness but my mind’s visions were out somewhere in the woods, wandering…Wandering to look for something different, something I have lost, something I want, something I can’t get enough of, something I was waiting to happen, again, to me, under that cold, rainy afternoon, something that would zap me into oblivion again so I could forget the whole world even for a moment, or a lifetime would be better. My mind is filled with these things. All of those that had happened in that rainy, Saturday afternoon at Rein’s are in my head. I’m typing, sipping tea after every paragraph I finish. I need to be busy. Idleness makes me remember all of it. I’m not like this before. I never had something that I really wanted and looked for in my whole damn freaking life. I’m not… this. My work, the day, the office, the people around me, they are all the same. I look the same to them, but they don’t know what’s inside me. There’s something inside this body that wants to explode if I didn’t get what I longed for. Ahh… I want you again…. No… I need you, again….it’s cold in here… I need to nestle inside your arms… I need to be enveloped in the wideness of your wings… under this cold and angry rain…I need this…again…for me…just one more time…please, take me home! AITAKUTETA! Sipping thru my tea again, I got a bunch of papers to re-type and edit. Oh, well, what do you know this is just like making examination questionnaires for students. I personally don’t like the idea that some teachers asked their nieces, nephews, sons or daughters to check them. I’d do that myself. As I was saying, there’s this window near the wooden walls, that’s open. All other windows are not except for this one. Which reminds me, I looked at the window where it stares at a condo right in front of it. I saw you in the other unit. Oops! I whispered to myself. Wrong. It’s not him. So my so-called sixth sense doesn’t notice what’s real and not in this world. I neither recognize both. But the thing is, I saw you or again, maybe not. I walked on an aisle. I was walking with somebody. Hey! Oops! Not again. It’s just an officemate of mine who had just gone out next to me. I know it was you, but again, maybe not. How the hell am I going to think straight? I turn to the right, I see reflections of you. I turn to the other side, I see you again. Behind me, beside me, around me, damn it, you’re there. My memory of you keeps you visible to me, everyday. Don’t know if you’re haunting me. Don’t know if you’re thinking of me this way, too. I know I’m sure of one thing – I am missing you too much already! Too much that I see you everywhere I turn, or look, or walk to. Everywhere, becomes you. Rein, how the hell did you get here? Ay! Damn! You’re not there, but you’re killing me! Get your ass out here, please! I’m drowning with faces of you around my world! I’m sinking, drowning… How long will I keep up with you this way? THE PLEAD Finally, I’m back at home. My folks aren’t around yet. It’s a good thing I didn’t go crazy in the office. How can you move around normally if you feel like he’s everywhere haunting you wherever you go and whatever you look onto? My favorite place’s the kitchen. I got myself some hot coffee, grabbed a book in my hand, and sipped through my coffee again. Ring…. The doorbell. Maybe my folks are there. I excitedly got up from the sofa and looked at the door-hole. Great! It’s Rein. I gave him my casual “Hi” and let him sit on the other end of the sofa. “Need a drink?” “No, thanks,” was his plain reply. “So, what made you come here?” I started. “Just wanna know if you’re okay.” “I am. Why ask?” “I’m worried.” “’Bout what?”, with a grin on my face and a slight chuckle down my throat. “’Bout you. I mean last night…” “Last night, you just went out of control, fascinated by the movie we’re watching and the thought of being alone…” “….I love you!” “Come again, sir?” “You heard me. Last night was different. It was real. Just one thing, though… Maira, please, don’t leave me.” I was dumbfounded. …don’t leave me…. The phrase went around my head like an unstoppable roller coaster. What is he up to now? Then again, the kiss. It was different from last night. It wasn’t wild. It was passionate, dragging me into his world. My feet were numb and weak. But I was still standing. “Ah…Rein…Are you sure… you’re okay?” I said in between kisses. “Yeah! I’m happy I have you. Hope you’ll stay by my side no matter what…hmmm…” I’ll stay as long as you like. My head was the one answering. My heart was silent, and thinking. “I think you better go. My folks will be back at six o’ clock.” “Okay. Thanks for hearing me out. By the way, you were great last night.” He said with a smile. I just smiled back, waved at him as he closed the door. Whew! That was safe. I made an alibi so it won’t happen again. But, I know I still wanted it to happen. I sat back and sipped all of my coffee, grabbed the book I was reading and sat back on the sofa. My parents got home at seven o’ clock in the evening. Dinner was ready. We ate, talked, exchanged work-stories as if nothing was with me or with Rein. It was nothing. But it hurt me to think it was nothing.

the 1st Speech I've ever written...

DREAMS: WHAT ARE THEY FOR? There’s a young lady who dreamt of herself standing in the middle of the City that Never Sleeps. It was all blurry but people were screaming then a flood came. She thought it was just a dream. Then, a year after the same dream appeared. This time it was clearer. There were two buildings facing each other. They were the tallest buildings in that city where almost everyone worked. Then a tidal wave came and swallowed the two buildings. She heard screams, wailings and all were running for their lives. She saw this dream thrice in that year. Scary? What are dreams? What are they for? Dreams are regarded as “windows” of the “the personality”, or as “predictors of the future.” (Rayner, 1976). Neurologists like, Sigmund Freud and Carl Gustav Jung, define them as “the most obvious manifestation of the unconscious”, and as “communications from the unconscious” however they are “not necessarily concerned with wishes.” (The Guinness Encyclopedia, 1990; p. 232). A monk, from a famous Japanese anime entitled “Love Hina”, said that, “There is a thin line between dreams and reality” (Love Hina, 2002; http://www.tv-tokyo.co.jp/ ) however, “cursed with short life spans.” (Candice Bergen, actress/ comedienne; http://www.yahoo.com/mail/celest_isis/inbox.htm). There are different kinds of dreams. If a person dreams with weird figures, with mixtures of images, emotions that haunts us for years, which makes us remember for life and primarily cannot be explained or understood are called “peculiar dreams”. Some dreams are quite common, which is often a sign of some emotional weakness in our nature which causes us problems over the years. These dreams are called “recurring dreams”. When one is able to control a dream, it’s called a “lucid dream”. A person has this especially if accompanied by music. Another kind of dream is “nightmare”. Nightmares usually happen to kids. Another is “sexual dream” which, in most cases, is a sign of sexual deprivation or repressed sexual urges, which a person may not be aware of. This kind of dream happens to people in puberty and after puberty stages. It’s not a sin to have this dream. It happens to all and it’s normal. Lastly, there are “prophetic dreams”. These dreams are often connected to intuition. This kind of dream is very interesting and hardly explicable since the science has no appropriate explanation to these issues. (http://www.dream-land.info/dream_article_1.htm) And, why do people dream? People dream because it’s a part of life. They are believed to have come from repressed emotions, conditions or problems, or an unfinished business somewhere in their life. Some say they tell the future. Some say they are the opposite of what is going to happen in reality. For instance, if one dreams about water it means fire. When another dreams about an old person, it pertains to someone younger, and so on. Some say they are just dreams and hold no relations in particular with reality. Some dreams bring good news, just like when numbers appear in someone’s dream and then the person gets up and goes to a lottery outlet and he bet on it, then, he won, that’s good news! And some dreams bring bad news, just like when someone dreams about her teeth falling off her gums, which means death will come to her family member, and the likes. But the notion, that one did not have a dream, is wrong, because people dream several times. However, only one appears to be clear because of what psychologist call the REM or Random/ Rapid Eye Movement. The eyes move very fast in a dream, but may focus on only one part of the dream. (Crofton, 1990; McNally, 1976) As we end, about the dream of the young lady last 2001, guess what happened? If one of you thinks it came true, you’re right. It did in a date that no man in New York will ever forget – September 11, 2001. Remember that dreams may mean the opposite, and the opposite of water is FIRE! Here’s a challenge. Can anyone guess who that young lady was? Well, she’s standing right in front of you. Thank you so much and may everyone dream their sweetest dreams and pray they’ll come true! Speech Prepared by : Ivy B. Escalona For : Prof. Bala Course Code : ELA – 508 REFERENCES: Crofteon, I. (1990). The guiness encyclopedia. Great Britain. Guiness Publishing, Ltd. Derilo, J. (2006). Quotes mo!!!. http://www.yahoo.com/mail/celest_isis/inbox.htm McNally, R. (1976). Atlas of the body. London. Mitchell Beazley Publishers. (2006). http://www.dream-land.info/dream_article_1.htm Viewed in 2002. Love Hina; http://www.tv-tokyo.co.jp/ Interviews from family members and friends.

My Incarnation

It is now, that i've found my place on Earth...my Gaea! I've loved this place ever since. This is where I grew, where i developed, where i fell in love, where i overflow... I am in my truest form now. So true that no one can ever comprehend. I am Goddess that ones have fallen asleep inside a body, a body who formed me, shaped me to what i am now; She made my ideas, she formed me with her fears and griefs, She created me with laughter, she molded me with love She carried me everywhere, wherever her heart and her mind leads; This is my incarnation. i have come. I have come to make a paradise out of dust, out of nothing but the filthy earth. I will restore this place, again. slowly...slowly... I shall change what has not been changed before... This is my purpose.